12 December, 2025, The slump may have passed...

The past few days have been the best in months.

Now, the past few months?

Absolute. Total. Slump.

I have come to realize that I need pressure. THe happiest I've ever been in my life is homeless with nothing, having to work every day to get out of that situation. Since July, I've whittled (wittled?) away at my responsibilities in a vain effort to focus on school. Terrible mistake - by October, I had no responsibilities. Besides school, which is objectively easy relative to the rest of life, I had no reason to get out of bed. Of course I have my fiance, the love of my life, my Boo Times Two, but... Well that brings me to what got me out of my slump.

When I say I would sleep for 18-20 hours a day, just doom scroll, do the bare minimum, and every once in a while cram for 8 hours straight, I mean it. I did nothing. I didn't write anymore. I didn't work on computers. I certainly didn't sell any. I had no idea how much it was killing my fiance. I figured, well I'm not sure what I figured. But I felt her pulling away for a week, like, checking out. I finally talked to her about it, pried pried pried - as patient as this woman is, I had pulled a 180 on her without even thinking. I still feel like shit for it.

But get this, the moment I realized "hey, if you check out of life, the love of your life will check out on you." - it was like a switch in my head flipped. I even have more energy. Now, that day did coincide with a highish dose of dxm (acclimation dose so it was hell). It's weird how much one molecule has been responsible for changes in my way of thinking. Espescially *that* particular molecule. I've been doing chores, working on things, going outside, being much more present with my love, and I am happy. I feel content enough.

That ball in my gut is there, with a vengeance, nothing healthy seems to make it go away. Maybe a run would. I don't know what it is, it just feels like an iron ball is inside my gut when I think of certain things, and those things are always in the back of my mind.

I have a therapy session on Monday through my fiance's work health coverage. In person too, none of that bullshit phone stuff. Maybe it'll help - and I'm going to outline specific goals, I am not a "therapy for the sake of therapy" person, by absolutely no means.

Christmas is coming, I need to get a few last minute gifts for my fiance. They aren't lazy crappy ones, I have put thought into them. Just, financially not doing so great, haha. I ought to use her actual name, her family is kind of crazy and she is very private. We go out and stuff, and I've met her coworkers - it isn't anything weird. I've been using "Fiance" so much on here in an effort to avoid it... Maybe I'm just a bit stoned and over thinking it. Her name is Sashia, and just her name makes that lump go away. We're over the honeymoon phase too, which is good and bad. We are still very very very close, but there's a depth to it now. It deepens with each day too, even the bad ones. Is it really only *time* itself?

- Kain Humphries, 12 December 2025 From the desk of the office I haven't been in for months.